Friday, February 24, 2012

Migraine Surgery, part 2: Back to parenting

Well, I just went back and read the "Migraine Surgery, Part 1" post. It was a good reminder of how far we've come. Right now, Harriet is tired -- the nerve pain on her scalp keeps her from sleeping -- and sick from pain meds making her nauseous. Throwing up when you have four incisions on your head and a healing nose = NOT FUN. It has been discouraging.

But we have to remember that her pain is better than it was, and one day soon we will see the fruit of all of this!

I've learned that it is really, really helpful to communicate with other patients and other Pain Parents who have gone through similar surgeries. Sometimes, they can tell you what to expect better than any nurse or surgeon! I have found the online community at MD Junction (www.mdjunction.com) to be really supportive and informative. They have forums for many, many, MANY health issues and are a good place to go if you need info or just need to understand that you and your family are not alone.

Now that we are a bit more than one month post-op, I'm back to the usual conundrum:

How do you parent a child in constant pain?

I can tell you what NOT to do, because... well... I've done it. And it sucks. And that is, don't hold in the small corrections and disciplines you know your child needs. These will build up inside until you find yourself blowing your stack at a kid who yes, did something wrong, but does NOT need a parent who is losing it. (cue the Pain Parent self-loathing)

Of course it works better to calmly address things as they come up, but that is easier said than done. What seems to make the difference for us: conversations that offer Harriet solutions for what to do when her pain is particularly bad and she finds herself wanting to lash out at the people who love her. Waiting until the trouble starts is really too late to address this. We have to lay out in advance what is expected, and what she can do when she feels like she can't meet those expectations.

Harriet is 16 and taller than I, so it is easy to forget that she is still, in fact, a child. A child who is coping with health issues that would flatten many adults. She needs guidance and she needs coping skills. Most of all, she needs to know that we love her NO MATTER WHAT. And that this love means we want her to grow into a strong, capable adult who knows how to behave in civilized company.

Last night, Harriet said, "Mom, I just want you to know that I appreciate how you are going through this with me, and helping me. Thank you."

Wow.

Helping our children is a privilege. Sometimes, many times, it feels like a burden. But who better to help our children than us?

Hang in there, Pain Parents.


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