...Say things like, "I just don't know how you can make it through the day." This is so discouraging!
...Pepper her with questions about what she has tried. Ask her dad or mom later, when the child is not around to be stressed by a conversation about all of the tries - and failures - she has experienced so far.
...Lecture him about good nutrition. For one thing, it sounds like you think it is somehow his fault, his "bad" choices, causing his pain. For another, people with a chronic illness -- and their parents! -- are hyper-aware of everything they put into their bodies. They probably know more about nutrition related to their health issues than you do.
...Ask the Pain Parent, "Have you taken her to a doctor?" (Yes, people really do ask this. And it defies explanation.)
...Question whether it is "really that bad." It IS really that bad, and she will NEVER FORGET that you questioned her pain.
When a child is in pain, please do...
...Watch what you say to the Pain Parent when the child can hear you. Words hurt.
...When you have a suggestion, an idea, or a news article that may help, ASK FIRST: "I know you're really on top of this, but may I share something that made me think of you and your child?" We get so much unsolicited advice, often in the form of lecturing, that it is lovely to have someone ask us before launching into something. (We know you're trying to help, but sometimes we are overwhelmed!)
...Ask, "How are you feeling today?" This makes the question very specific and helps the child, and the parent, look at the pain in the context of just today, instead of the monstrous experience as a whole.
...Offer a hug, a shoulder, a minute of your time. Children in pain, and their parents, feel so isolated. We need to know you remember that we are hurting.
My own child in pain, Harriet, would add one thing to this list: Stop asking me if I drink enough water! She gets this question all the time. When she answers that she DOES drink enough water, they start quizzing her on how much H2O she drinks in a day, as if to prove her wrong. Some determined folks continue with a tirade on the importance of proper hydration even after we've established that the kid is, indeed, hydrated. Go figure.
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